August 2009

If you’ve never worked out before, you are not going to go crank out 5 miles on the treadmill or be able to bench 300 pounds.  You haven’t trained yourself for that.  You haven’t started.

Anytime I coax a friend who isn’t much into fitness into joining me at the gym or going for a little jog (that’s a soft “j”, I believe—pronounced yog), I often hear him say, “Well I won’t be able to run that far or lift that much.”  My response is always the same: “You’ve gotta start somewhere.”

If you’ve never done a math problem, how could you understand calculus?  If you’ve never used a computer, how could you build a website?

We are quick to expect impressive results before we even take the first step. You have to build a foundation to work up from if you want to get better at something.

The same is true in friendships as it is in fitness.  You can’t expect to have a deep friendship when you meet someone for the first time.  It’s like trying to lift more weight than you can handle—you might be able to do it once, but you’re probably going to get hurt if you press your luck.

It takes being intentional in what you do to get results.  If you work out on a schedule and have a plan for staying motivated and you follow through, you will get stronger, leaner, faster, etc.  If you call your friends, encourage them, send them notes, buy them lunch, give them books, tell them you are thinking about them, go out of your way to help them, the relationship will grow.

On the flip side, if you neglect a regimented training, or you don’t put work into relationships, don’t expect results of pure buffness or strong friendships.

Start something new or build on what you’ve got.  Don’t expect to be the Tiger Woods of friendship without hard work.  He’s great at what he does because he works harder than anybody else.  And you know what; there was most certainly a day when he couldn’t even hold a golf club.  The difference between then and now?  He started somewhere.

It’s the eve of my last day as a Columbus resident.  Even in this megapost, I can’t fully explain to you the amount of growth, enjoyment, and learning I experienced this summer.  I heard good things about the state capital, but I couldn’t have predicted the pure joy I would end up having here in the ‘bus over the past 11 weeks.

I’ve decided to give a shout out to some of my favorite things that made totally blew me away here in Columbus.  I’d love to give thanks to all of my 614 friends, but the list is too long, and I couldn’t do you all justice in a single post.  Quite frankly, friends, you were too good to me, and I was so blessed to have you around.

At any rate, to do David Letterman one better, here’s the “Top 11 Things That Rocked My-Summer-Socks Off in Columbus” (written as if all of the following inanimate items were actually human beings I could give a big-ol’-goodbye bear hug to).

11.  I-270.  For an Akron boy used to highways that run only North and South or East and West, you opened my eyes to the world of an interstate that runs in all directions. You took me around the entire city (literally).  You were my go-to route whenever I needed to get anywhere in the Columbus metro area, and I was often confused by your directional naming conventions.  I needed to go East, but you told me North.  I thought I wanted South, but you insisted on West. But at the end of the day, if I picked the wrong way, you’d always bring me right back to where I needed to go.  Thanks for being the most confusing circle in the history of shape-based highways.

10.  Neighbornet—When life gives you only an internet modem and not a wireless router, turn to your neighbor’s unlocked internet connection for all of your browsing needs.  Neighbornet, you’re one of a kind.  You treated me so well with your speed, constant uptime, and free, unlimited usage.  You let me onto your network and allowed me access as if you were my own.  We need more open connections like you in this world, my friend.

9.  Reading List—You turned an enjoyable hobby like reading into an expensive obsession.  I spent almost as much money on books as I did on food this summer, but you made it all worth it, Reading List.  With true gems like How to Win Friends and Influence People, Mere Christianity, Ultramarathon Man, and Season of Life, you expanded my knowledge like a bicep on steroids.  Kudos, Reading List, for keeping me up late and breaking the bank.  We’ve got a long, long future together.

8.  Netflix—I would have been a total nerd thanks to Reading List, but you made me a real tough guy with movies like Gladiator and A Few Good Men.  I streamed your wonderful HD-quality movies, and numbed my mind for hours upon hours after breaking mental sweats in the pages of books.  I used you sporadically, but you embraced my erratic-movie-watching habits.  You are totally worth the monthly fee I pay you to be my friend.

7.  Weekends—I lived for you, Weekends.  Whenever the 8-to-5 had me down, I knew you’d lift me up from the depths of the workweek for an incredible two-day, two-night adventure.  I can’t wait to officially make you three days long come this fall in the absence of Friday classes and real-world responsibilities.

6.  Kroger—You opened my eyes to the world of fresh produce and over-priced organic food.  Your free samples often tricked me into buying things I didn’t need, and your bright lighting allowed me to spend too many hours perusing your shelves and examining all of your nutrition labels.  My conversion to healthy eating wouldn’t have been possible without you.  For all of that, Kroger, I thank you.  You’ll continue to dupe me with your Kroger Card (which is the best marketing ploy ever) for a long time to come.

5.  Cardinal Health—As far as Corporate America goes, you’re pretty stinkin’ cool.  Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can see much of a future with us together (“It’s not you, it’s me”).   Cardinal, you would be at the top of my list for companies to spend the rest of my life with (or at least work for).  Great people, great environment, great future together (if I didn’t have the entrepreneurship itch).

4. Apartment—You showed the signs of wear and tear when I met you, but I nurtured you back to health.  You impressed friends and housed me and a couple great guys this summer.  You saw dinners and debates, feuds fueled and friendships formed.  Thanks for being a great shelter for the summer and for giving me two remarkable roommates I was blessed to share you with.

3.  Grace Brethren—I was an orphan and you scooped me up, dusted off my shoulders, and welcomed me in like I was family.  I met some absolutely amazing people through you, and I learned so much from your challenging teaching and fellowship this summer.  I won’t soon forget you or your community of believers.

2.  Blogging—This post wouldn’t be possible without you (bah-dum-ch).  I wrote you off before, but you’re back (for the right reasons), and I think you’re here to stay.  I’d love to make our relationship more professional, and maybe someday we can work that out.  For now, I’ll keep at you like a horse after a dangling carrot.  I’ve got a whole lot more to learn, and I know you’re going to help me sort out my thoughts in more megaposts just like this.  You’re the best soapbox I could ask for.  Thanks for welcoming this neophyte to the world of web logs.

1.  Friendships—You didn’t think I’d snub you in the midst of your namesake week did you?  The friendships I built this summer absolutely rocked my world.  It’s tough to make friends and develop relationships within a two-and-a-half-month timeframe.  Somehow, I was blessed with opportunities to meet so many extraordinary people and reconnect with some fantastic friends from the past.  Friends of Columbus, I wish you were coming with me, but I’m certain we’ll see each other again soon.  Thanks for the best summer I can remember—it would have been nothing without you.

If I had a list of books that should be required reading for all human beings, How to Win Friends and Influence People would be at the top.  It’s been over 70 years since its first publication, but Dale Carnegie’s timeless gem is still providing insight in the 21^st century.

Carnegie created the content for the book by giving talks in New York about public speaking.  The talks evolved into how to deal with people in different circumstances.  As Carnegie began providing more and more insight (and realized how little people really know about talking to one another) a publisher convinced him not everyone had time for a 14-week course on his valuable information.  So a stenographer took notes, and the book was born.

You might be thinking, “I already have friends and I don’t necessarily care about influencing people” (even though you should).  But that’s just the title of the book–not the total scope.  It’s about handling people in all types of situations.  Do you know how to get the best outcome in any argument?  Or how about how to make just about anybody like you?  Carnegie does, and he lets you in on his secrets.

The book doesn’t reveal anything truly revolutionary.  There isn’t any insight that you haven’t heard one way or another.  So what does Carnegie do to create one of the bestselling books in American history 915 million copies sold)?  He compiles the most important information about influencing people through some of the simplest methods of implementation and takes you for a ride along the way.

Carnegie provides anecdote on top of anecdote to emphasize his points.  Literally every single suggestion he makes is backed up by an example of it working quite flawlessly.  Oh, and he does it by telling us things we all know but don’t want to hear.

We’re selfish.  He says be humble.  We’re concerned about ourselves.  He says get over yourself.  We want to talk.  He says listen.  Nothing we don’t know, but it makes so much sense when he says it.

Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking.  Nine ways to change people without giving offense.  Seven rules for making your home life happier.  Those are just a few of the sections in the book—there is so much more than those tiny tips.  I met a guy who listened to the audio book literally every single day on his way to work.  It’s that good.

Applying all of these methods in your life will take you longer than digesting swallowed gum—but start small and I promise you will see the impact even a few minute changes in your approach to people will make.

Who should read it: Salespeople, the competitive, humble servants, aspiring world changers, anyone who wants to love people more and build stronger relationships

Who should stay away: Those who are content in loneliness, pride, and all-around-self-consumed humans disinterested in others

I’ve officially decided to dub this week, the final sevenish days of August “Friendship Week” at The Point of Impact. As I looked back at the friendships made and enhanced this summer and look forward to those I’ll be continuing at home and in Athens soon, I thought the idea was fitting.  If you disagree, start your own blog and make up your own week.

Last night, I had a chance to meet up with a fellow Akronite here in Columbus. It’s always refreshing to enjoy the company of a guy like Aaron Golby who shares a love for the Lord and the 330 like few others.  People always ask me, “What’s so awesome about Akron?  Everyone from there always talks about how great it is.” Home of LeBron James.  Rubber Capital of the World.  Bridgestone Invitational. Luigi’s.  The Roo at The U.  Outside of those things—it’s intangible.

At any rate, during our discussion last night, Aaron dared me to do something.  He dared me to go on a mission’s trip next summer.  When it comes to dares, I’m a bit like Marty McFly when somebody calls him chicken—I lose self-control and refuse to let it go.  It was a powerful challenge, and one I plan to prayerfully consider.

To say I was merely encouraged by Aaron’s dare would be a gross understatement.  You see, when you begin building close, personal relationships, your friends will see your potential.  They will see your growth.  They will challenge you to do things you may not have considered before.  Your finest friends are the ones who push you to be a better you.

We live in a society that wants nothing to do with accountability.  We want to do our own thing and have everyone mind their own business. Put up walls.  Fake relationships.  Live a compartmentalized life where some people consider you a saint and others trust you as far as they can throw you. We think it’s easier to live a life with no transparency where no one knows you, and you hardly recognize yourself when you look in the mirror.

I’ve been there.  I have lived that life.  I’ve built walls and refused to let people in.  And do you know what I’ve found?  That’s not true friendship.  That is garbage.  That’s camaraderie phonier than a handbag in Chinatown.  You will not have meaningful relationships if you don’t get vulnerable.

Be willing to share your mistakes and regrets.  Learn from your slip-ups and mishaps. We’re human—we’re supposed to screw up.  Grow together.  Lift each other up.  As Dwayne Wade (and the ancient Japanese proverb) says, “Fall down seven. Stand up eight.”

I challenge you to let people know the real you.  There is nothing better than a genuine friend.  Give me a friend who has screwed up and seemingly disappointed those around him countless times but is honest about his mistakes and is willing to open up any day.  As for the person who fakes their way through life, trying to come out smelling like roses without learning from the past, press the reset button and then come talk to me.

You can have water-cooler conversations for the rest of your life without letting someone in.  Or, you can build a community of fellowship—a brotherhood admired by those who see it at work.  Let people in. Challenge your friends to do great things.  I dare you.

Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.

About two weeks ago, I saw that quote on my buddy Tom Lawver’s Facebook.  It has resonated with me ever since.  That truth nugget is about as close as you can get to peering into the future.

I’m a firm believer in the fact that you are who your friends are.  I’ve run in quite a few different circles over the past 20 years, and the way I acted was a direct reflection of who my friends were.  It is very clear that when I look back on the last two decades, the time I was in the most trouble was when I was most deeply rooted in the wrong crowd.  “Do not be misled: bad company corrupts good character.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)

I went back and forth on whether I should share this next example with you, as I’ve only shared it with a handful of others. It’s a model that has helped me keep things in perspective, and I believe it’s too valuable to keep to myself.  I’m not saying this exact arrangement is right for everyone, but I strongly believe that it has allowed me to become the person I am today.

Over the past year, I’ve developed an idea I like to call my “Venn Diagram of Friends.”  For those of you who aren’t familiar, a Venn diagram is a simple, two-circle classification model that looks like this:

This Venn diagram encompasses my closest friends.  It is by no means a comprehensive view of those around me; it is, however, an inside look at the type of people I would consider my “inner circle.”  This example is an abstract way of looking at the amigos closest to me (in values, not proximity)—those I most strongly identify with.  They are the friends I surround myself with in order to build into them…and to allow them to build into me.

This two-dimensional view is not meant to demean anyone or to classify friends in a caste system.  It’s neither a hierarchy nor an all-encompassing look at those around me.  In fact, these circles (and the oval specifically) have more than enough room for everyone I know.  Imagine that these circles are elastic—they’ve got the ability to expand indefinitely.  They’re supernatural, limitless circles with boundaries stretching far beyond what you or I could ever fathom.

Okay, so you get what the circles represent, now here’s the explanation of the nature of the people who are in them.  On one side, I have my Christian friends—those I relate to spiritually and whom I can learn and grow with.  On the other side, I have my highly motivated friends—those who are dedicated to a cause and are willing to go to great lengths to achieve their dreams.  In the middle, where the circles overlap, are my friends who fall into each category.  That small oval is where I consider myself to be and where I am encouraging the two circles to supersede.

Please don’t misinterpret any of this: I don’t force anything on any of my friends from either side, or even on those friends and acquaintances on the outside.  Shoving my ideas and values down the throats of those around me is far from a motivating way to impact people. I simply attempt to live my life in the tiny (but ever-expanding) center of those two circles.

My endeavor to bring others into that sliver of figurative overlap isn’t concocted from any secret formula; I let my actions (and respectful, intentional conversations) generate curiosity and provide enrichment in an effort to pull others in like a gravitational force to be reckoned with.  I’m continuously working towards living a life that draws people in because they see the love, joy, and fulfillment that comes from the center.

If you believe strongly in the way you live your life, how can you do anything but encourage those around you to join in your efforts to change the world? Will everyone see eye to eye with you?  Certainly not.  Please don’t think this is my blessing to ostracize those who disagree with you.  Instead of writing those people off, engage them.  Let your actions speak for your views, instead of letting your words and hypocrisy send a mixed message.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said:

What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.

Find your oval (or join me in mine).  Live a life that attracts others to it.  You won’t believe how much room you’ve got in there.