I naturally enjoy verbal sparring and debates. It’s a part of being a Myers-Briggs ENTP. My wife recently explained to me that not everyone enjoys this as much as I do.

There are, however, a few things I absolutely refuse to even discuss. Discussion, for me, nearly always reaches the zone of argumentation and losing friends and/or limbs (I’m working on it).

The following topics are utterly pointless. I’m not saying these things don’t matter, but I am saying they don’t matter enough for me to get into it with someone about them. I define “getting into it” in these situations as a simple disagreement that extends beyond two exchanges. If you want to beat me in an argument, just bring up these topics and I’ll instantly fold.

I’m trying to keep friendships from ending, and that’s why I give up. I’d love to hear in the comments the arguments you need to stop having.

The Color of Anything

I can’t tell you how many mind-numbing, brain-deteriorating conversations I’ve had about the precise color of something.

Here’s how the conversations used to happen.

Me: “Oh, I like your blue shirt, man.”
Former Friend: “Thanks, bro, but it’s actually green.”
Me: “Really? Because it looks blue to me.”
Former Friend: “Nope, totally green.”
Me: “That’s weird because it’s the same color as the sky.”
Former Friend: “Oh, so the sky is green?”
Me: “Ha, no man, it’s blue as well.”

(Both start frantically looking for something to compare shirt to, as well as a third party to vindicate who has a better mastery of primary colors.)

Former Friend: “Hey, Joe! What color is my shirt?”
Joe: “I think it’s kind of aqua.”
Me: “Aqua blue or aqua green?”
Joe: “Aqua marine, I think.”

(Former friend and I continue asking more people, holding up shirt to other blue and green things, looking up hexadecimal color codes. Then I start to jab things into my eyes while unfriending my former friend on Facebook and driving my car off Fast & Furious style because if not I’m going to have a panic attack.)

How the conversation occurs now.

Me: “Oh, I like your yellow car, man.”
Still Best Friend: “Thanks, bro, but it’s actually orange.”
Me: “I LOVE YOUR ORANGE CAR. IT’S SO ORANGE AND AWESOME. IT REALLY BRINGS OUT THE ORANGE IN YOUR EYES. IS THAT THING MADE OUT OF REAL ORANGES? WOW! SO ORANGE! I TOTALLY MISSED IT WITH THE YELLOW EARLIER.”

The color just doesn’t matter. If you’re a designer and you’re deciding on the color of the G in the Google logo, the color matters. If you’re just having a friendly conversation, don’t let the color of something completely destroy your life.

The Best Route to Somewhere Less Than 10 Minutes Away

If you’re taking a massive road trip across the country and you and your road trip crew is having some disagreement over the best way to go (whatever best means here, fastest, best stops along the way, etc.) it’s probably worth making some compromises or potentially creating formal reports and presenting said reports to an advisory board that will issue a final judgment on the best road trip path.

If you are driving from your house to the closest Wal-Mart, please, for the love of all that is deeply discounted, don’t argue over the route to go.

Let me give you a little preview of how those conversations normally happen.

Former Friend: “Don’t you think it’s faster to turn left on Psycho Path than to go straight on Sanity Street?”
Me: “No, because then you end up hitting all 72 of the lights on Divorce Court.”
Former Friend: “But there’s that two-way stop at Know Way where it is impossible to turn left.”

(Bantering continues, needlessly, even after arriving at the destination that was less than two minutes away. Friends don’t talk the rest of the evening and to prove a point both walk home and leave the car in the Wal-Mart parking lot.)

Or, it could go this way.

Still Best Friend: “Don’t you think it’s faster to turn left on Tiger Lily Pond rather than going straight onto Route 66?”
Me: “Yes. That way is totally faster. But I like going the slow way because I’m an idiot.”

Problem solved.

iOS vs. Android

I used to dabble in this one frequently. As a long-standing iPhone user, I am both a Fanboy and a complete Kool-Aid drinking zombie (or so they say in the Internet comments). Then one day I realized, people who use Microsoft products need a phone they can use too and I relented to the Android masses.

Former Friend: “Oh, you have an iPhone. Doesn’t it suck not being able to shoot laser beams?”
Me: “Uh, no. Not really. I mean, I’ve never really needed a laser beam.”
Former Friend: “But you don’t have a 1,924 MP camera! And you can’t even download viruses onto your phone! iOS is so closed! It’s like a sign warning you to not go over a bridge that doesn’t connect in the middle!”
Me: “Yeah, but the apps don’t suck and the form-factor design is practically perfect.”
Former Friend: “But it fits in your pocket comfortably! Don’t you wish you needed a seamstress to combine your two back pockets to stick your Samsung MonsterTruckNotePadGalaga X4Si in sideways?”

(Conversation continues to the point where I begin smashing my head with the titanium kickstand on my Former Friend’s giant phone.)

How it happens now.

Still Best Friend: “Oh you still use an iPhone? The tech specs on that thing are so lame.”
Me: “Yeah, I know. It’s like taking a picture with a Polaroid, but I like it because I still use dial-up Internet at home.”
Still Best Friend: “Yeah, it’s ok, man. We can call all our friends and have them pull up to my phone screen in their cars like it’s a drive in and just chill out.”
Me: “Sounds awesome.”

Let me summarize the 1,000 words it took me to spit this all at with the ever-poignant and perfectly said Proverbs 26:4-5:

Answer not a fool according to his folly,

lest you be like him yourself.

Answer a fool according to his folly,

lest he be wise in his own eyes.

Question: What conversations do you need to stop having?

Photo provided by vierdrie