“We struggle with insecurity because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” – Steven Furtick
Social media has given us a window to compare ourselves to everyone we know (and so many we don’t) like never before.
Someone has a cuter baby than us. A bigger house. A nicer car. A better job. A more exciting life. And we aren’t only aware of it when we interact with them, it’s in our face every time we login to Facebook or see someone’s filet mignon on Instagram.
We are prone to compare because we have constant access to people to compare ourselves to.
Comparison robs us of all joy. It says, “What I have isn’t enough.” It’s a lie, a snare, a trap. It’s one I fall into incredibly often, and I’m a comparer by nature. It’s a nasty sin I’m trying (by the grace of God) to root out.
It creates an awful cycle of pride and despair as we say, “At least I’m not like him,” and “If only I could be like her.” It’s a destructive rhythm that will never fulfill us and can only eat away at our hearts like battery acid.
The only two people we should compare ourselves to are Jesus and our past selves. Jesus humbles us and our past selves serve to encourage us.
Looking to the founder and perfecter of our faith we have no choice but to be humbled. We aren’t perfect. Jesus is perfect. We aren’t sinless. Jesus is. We can’t go a day without screwing up. Jesus lived his whole life perfectly (without so much as a humblebrag). This comparison gives us hope because we don’t have to perform–Jesus already did for our sakes.
And on the other end: we can look at ourselves a month, a year, or a decade back, and see how we’ve grown and changed.
“Thank God I’m not who I’m supposed to be but I’m not who I used to be.”
If you’ve taken steps backward from who you used to be, remember that you used to be there, and it’s not too late to return.
With those two eligible comparisons explained, let’s rewind and figure out how things got so ugly.
How did we get here?
I think, initially, the goal of social media was simply leveraging a new tool (the Internet) to continue what we already had (relationships) in a new venue.
We’re still figuring out best practices and discovering the most effective way to use the tools we’ve been given.
No one signs up for Facebook because they think, “I want to be jealous of my friends more often.” or “I want to prove to everyone else that my life is better than theirs.”
Those thoughts don’t consciously cross our minds (at least, I hope not). But subconsciously we’re engaging in a battle of one-upmanship like we’re playing Words with Friends instead of sharing our lives with people.
We’re crafting digital personas far cooler, more interesting and overall better than who we are in real life. Few people are Instagramming pictures of kids pooping on the floor or what dinner looks like when it’s burnt beyond recognition. Those things still happen, but it’s easier to hide them between the peaks of life (like when we’re skiing in the alps or celebrating a birthday at Disney World).
How do we fix this?
1. Unplug from social media. Over a weekend last month when I was with my wife and teammates for a debrief, I disconnected from email, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I left my phone in a my room and tried to focus on connecting with the Lord and my team. It was amazing. I had tons of grab-for-my-pocket knee-jerks when I wasn’t entertained for a split second, but I let them pass and enjoyed my time away from the interwebs.
I won’t call it a digital fast (because you don’t have to call every single act of abstention a fast, brothers and sisters), but it was a rich time of connecting with people and the Lord. It’s tough (which is so sad) but it’s worth it.
2. Post what’s really going on. You’re allowed to have bad days and post disappointing news for the world to see. Not because you want faux-sympathy but because you share good times and bad times with your friends in person, and you’re allowed to do the same online.
This doesn’t mean you have to take ugly pictures and post them on Instagram. It means you can (and should) be raw in a Photoshopped world.
3. Use the tools for good reasons. Connecting with old friends, encouraging the discouraged, celebrating exciting things from across the world. Those are good things.
Hopping online to brag, belittle, one up or stir up jealousy or envy are all bad reasons to use the tools. Use discernment. Be wise.
4. Stop using certain networks all together. If you’re sick of seeing meals you can’t afford from your friends, stop using Instagram. If you can’t take political bantering, skip Facebook. If you don’t know how to use hashtags, please, please, stop using Twitter.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to be everywhere online all the time. You especially shouldn’t be everywhere if it’s causing you or others to sin.
The Internet is a tool we can use for God’s glory or our destruction. We have the opportunity to make that choice every day.
If social networks are causing you to sin, cut them off. It’s better for your iPhone to be cast into the pit of hell than for your whole body to be cast there.
The big, bold Steven Furtick quote stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. Comparing ourselves against unreal expectations has become such an easy thing to do in our culture that we don’t realize its become harmful.
For me it’s less about overcoming online comparison and more about remembering to appreciate the grace and forgiveness granted to me by those who LIVE WITH me every day. They accept my faults and failures along with applauding the “highlight reel” moments.
Really great post. Thanks for this Jordan.
Hutch, thanks for sharing. You are so right. The people who see us at our lowest are real heroes in our lives.
Comparison is definitely the bigger issue for me, but your comment reminded me to express gratitude to my wife, family and friends who see me at my worst but still believe the best about me.