Just over a month ago, I was the best man in my cousin’s wedding. It was the first time I was an official right-hand man. As far as I know, I didn’t completely blow it.

The best man has two jobs on the wedding day. 1. Put out fires. 2. Give a good speech. In reality, it’s a pretty simple job description with high expectations. [footnote]We had no fires, so I had it easy.[/footnote]

Since putting out fires basically comes to calming everyone the heck down and keeping people from overreacting on what can be a high-stress day, I think tips for crafting a memorable speech are more helpful.

Here are a few tips I’ve gathered from experiencing good and bad toasts that will help you a long way on someone else’s big day.

1. It’s not about you. I’ve heard a maid of honor ramble on for over ten minutes about herself. Not her and the bride. Herself. It was painful. The speech is not about you. It’s about the bride and groom. Honestly, outside of hearing how you know the groom, no one gives a hoot about who you are.
2. People are hungry. I’ve never been to a wedding reception without starving before the meal. Ceremonies magically empty the stomach. Since the obligatory toasts come before the meal, keep it brief and remember people get hangry at a record pace when the maid of honor or best man wax poetic. And if a toast is more than 5 minutes long (and preferably 3), no matter how good it is, people are checking out and pounding their fists on the table demanding food.
3. You must prepare. I’m all for off-the-cuff soliloquies and winging things, but a short, meaningful, entertaining speech is a tough cocktail to mix on the fly. So practice. Practice a lot. Every day leading up to the big day. I think it’s fine to have notes, but don’t read without emotion.
4. Please don’t say, “For those who don’t know me.” Those who know you already know you for Pete’s sake. And those who don’t are the people you’re introducing yourself to. Don’t address the crowd as two distinct groups, as if the former group will shout out “WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUDDY!” Just say, “I’m Jordan, Chris’s cousin.” Nix the FTWDKM. [footnote]I seriously hate this phrase. It’s redundant and unnecessary, but my level of hatred is off-the-charts stupid for this verbal faux pas. Please, help me put it in the grave.[/footnote]
5. Don’t give a lecture. I think a piece of wisdom is appropriate and encouragement goes a long way, but don’t turn it into a sermon. Telling people that marriage is hard and that they’ll really have to work is a conversation you can have with the lucky couple mano-a-mano. Light-hearted bests heavy-hearted in the wedding toast arena.
6. Don’t try to be someone else. If you’re not funny, Google around for an opening joke or reuse something you’ve heard before, as long as it doesn’t take expert delivery. But if you’re really not funny, don’t try to create a standup routine.
7. Share a story. Not 10 stories. Not a story from every year you’ve known the couple. One will do.
8. Encourage the bride, hassle the groom. This is an expectation. For the bride it’s a toast, for the groom, a roast. People seriously eat it up, and the groom is happy if everyone is happy. Avoid ex-girlfriends, sensitive topics, and things that are still a little too raw, but anything else in good fun is on the table.
9. No inside jokes. The worst. THE WORST. No one laughs. Don’t even think about it.
10. Don’t forget the toast. It’s confusing because it’s normally called a speech, but officially it’s a toast. So be sure to have everyone raise their glasses and say something sweet and sentimental to sign off a stellar salute.

What tips would you share on giving a remarkable wedding toast?