Why Most Problems Aren’t What They Seem—and What to Do About It
I often want to get out the door faster than five little pairs of legs can move.
I used to think that what kept us from leaving was my kids’ ability to move quickly. We’ll call that the apparent constraint.
Many situations are controlled not by the apparent constraint but the actual constraint.
The thing that looks like it’s holding us back—the apparent constraint—is rarely the real problem. It’s usually a deeper issue—the actual constraint—bringing it to the surface.
In my case, the actual constraint is that I am in a rush for no reason because I have an unhealthy desire for control.
(I get it, sometimes we’re running late and need to hustle. But how often does hurrying actually make us get somewhere faster? When someone made a mistake because they were in a rush, a friend used to ask (tongue in cheek), “Were you doing things too fast?”)
Too often, we’re the ones kinking the garden hose at the source (actual constraint) and blaming someone else for stepping on an empty tube at the end of the line (apparent constraint).
The apparent constraint is what we blame. The actual constraint is what we can change.
It’s easy for me to just shout at my kids, “Hurry up!”
It’s hard to deal with my own control issues and persistent sense of hurriedness and anxious rushing.
Examples of Apparent vs. Actual Constraints
Here are a few examples from my life, showing the apparent constraint, the actual constraint, and a proposed solution.
| Situation | Apparent Constraint | Actual Constraint | Proposed Solution |
|---|---|---|---|
| Getting out the door | My kids are slow | I’m rushing (and impatient) | Slow down, start earlier, accept the chaos |
| Kids misbehaving at the store | Their behavior | I didn’t set clear expectations | Prep them with reminders and consequences |
| Conflict with spouse | They’re being difficult | I’m trying to control the outcome | Listen first, ask better questions |
| Feeling stuck at work | Boss won’t give me freedom | I haven’t clarified what I want or asked for it | Own your needs, have the hard conversation |
What’s the Bible Say About These Constraints?
The actual constraints typically connect to deeper desires and anxieties. James, the brother of Jesus, puts it bluntly:
You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. James 4:2
Most of our actual constraints stem from idols—control, comfort, approval, pain avoidance, greed. We have an internal problem in our hearts that we try to fix externally. Like Jesus said, we clean the outside of the cup, but the inside stays filthy.
It might feel like a leap from unmet desire to murder. But Jesus himself says something similar:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
In both cases, Jesus and James go beyond the surface action and get at the deeper desire. Changing the behavior (ours or someone else’s) doesn’t get to the heart.
It’s easy to blame the apparent constraint because it’s visible. The (ugly) desires in our heart are the actual constraints that we need to deal with.
Most apparent constraints are external and circumstantial. Most actual constraints are internal and persistent.
The good news is we can start digging into our deeper issues right now. And God loves to meet us there.
Identifying the Actual Constraint (and Finding Solutions)
Here’s a process I’ve started using to help sort out what’s going on inside of me when I’m beginning to blame others for my own issues.
- Clarify the goal. What am I trying to do?
- Name the apparent constraint. What do I think is keeping me from that goal?
- Identify the actual constraint. What is truly keeping me from that goal? (Fear? Control?) It’s often our own internal narrative, and it usually has more to do with our heart than the situation.
- Look for a better solution. It’s not about fixing what someone else is doing. Instead, ask yourself, “What idol am I turning to for comfort? What outcome am I trying to force? What would it look like to surrender this instead of control it?”
The process for identifying the actual constraint isn’t complicated, but it does require honesty and dealing with the mess going on inside of us.
Slow down. Identify the goal. Look past the apparent constraint. Seek the actual one. Then deal with your own heart and unmet desires.
We can’t change our hearts on our own. We need God to give us new hearts and follow the guiding of his Spirit to turn away from our own sin issues that lead to much of our internal and external conflict.
But we can start by figuring out what’s going on in our hearts and refusing to blame others for our own issues.
Next time you’re frustrated with things not going according to plan, stop and ask, “What am I trying to do, and what’s actually holding me back?” Then, go deal with the deeper, actual constraint instead of the surface-level apparent constraint.
The actual constraint is the one you need to deal with, and it’s often the only one we can control.