A young guy recently asked me, “What advice would you give someone trying to quit smoking?”
I thought for a moment and said, “You have to invite people in. You’ve got to tell someone you trust, ‘Hey, I want to quit smoking, and I want you to regularly ask me how it is going. I want you to hold me accountable and help me quit. You’ve got my permission to ask, and I’d like to ask for your permission to call when I’m tempted and need to talk with a friend.’”
I’m not a smoker, but there have been plenty of bad habits in my life I’ve had to overcome. Recently, a friend pointed out my tendency to be either 10% or 110% involved in conversations—and I knew exactly what he meant but I hadn’t realized it. I can either check out completely or be way too intense. It’s not as obvious of a habit as smoking, but it leaves behind a similar stench for the people around me.
There’s nothing more time tested than a friend at your side holding you up, cheering you on, and keeping you going.
It’s not just overcoming addiction or bad habits, though. Any change is easier with friends.
When we want to develop a new running habit, having a friend waiting outside helps us get our shoes on.
We’re communal creatures. From the beginning, it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18)—even in a world without addiction.
In an individualized culture, where the focus is almost entirely on “me,” we have lost the ability to develop deep friendships to navigate hard things. In a culture where you have an endless supply of nearly everything—entertainment, distractions, vices—faithful friends are still in short supply. Fortunately, friendships can be forged.
Invite friends into hard things and good things. G.K. Chesterton said, “Marriage halves our griefs, doubles our joys, and quadruples our expenses.” The great thing about friendship? It only does the first two.
Open yourself up to stabs in the front. Proverbs 27:6 says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” As Josh Nadeua says, “A friend stabs in the front.” Bad friends stab in the back—they talk about our flaws with other people but not with us. Good friends use a knife like a scalpel to help remove the parts of us that hold us back from becoming who God made us to be.
Be the friend you want to be, and watch what happens. Friendship is hard, and it takes a tremendous amount of effort. In my experience, you get out what you put in. Some of my greatest friendships have developed because a friend stepped up, made sacrifices, cared for me in tremendous ways, and then I simply did my best to reciprocate.
You can’t change alone. The good news is, you don’t have to. Invite someone in. Be the friend you wish you had. And get ready for some wounds that will help you heal.