Our family experienced a crushing loss in December, and while the pain and grief continue to weigh us down, the response of the people God has placed in our lives has astounded us—in both the best and hardest ways.

Surprisingly, one of the most challenging parts of grief is the response of the people around you—some rush to your side and provide emotional CPR keeping you alive through sheer kindness. Others practically pull the plug on your life support with thoughtless comments.

Here are a few key things to remember:

  • If you don’t know what to say, say something simple (even if it is obvious). “I am so sorry for your loss” or “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling” or “I am here for you as you deal with your grief” are all more than enough.
  • Silence is not an option. You can’t wait out your friend’s grief. If you never say anything, your friend will remember and feel like you ignored her deep hurt and pain without any acknowledgment.
  • Don’t stop asking. The griever might not want to share, but his loss is always on his mind. When you ask about his grief, you’re not bringing something up—it’s already there, practically bursting through his scalp. So instead ask, “If you want to share, how are you doing with grief lately?”
  • ”Call me if you need anything” is well meaning but an ultimately empty platitude. Grieving people won’t ask for help, but they need it. Instead say, “I’d like to bring you a meal/clean your house/hang out with your kids while you go for a walk…does Tuesday or Thursday work better for you?” Whatever you can do—whatever tangible need you can meet—offer to do that thing.
  • Don’t stop reaching out even if you don’t get a response. It’s helpful to say, “You’re on my mind and in my prayers today. No need to respond, but I am here for you.” Grief is overwhelming and especially in the beginning, messages come in faster than responses can go out. But over time, there’s a steep drop in people reaching out. Knowing that people remember you, your loved one, and your grief mean the world to the broken hearted.
  • Everyone’s grief is different, so saying, “I know exactly how you feel” isn’t helpful. Instead try and say something along the lines of, “I remember how wrecked I was when I lost my dad. I am here for you as you deal with your own pain and grief.”
  • If you have a specific or special memory of the person who died, share it. Grieving people desperately want to remember and hold onto their loved ones, and when you share how that person touched your life, it is a balm to their loved ones.
  • You can’t fix anyone’s grief. You also shouldn’t try. If you find yourself tempted to say, “At least…” or try to help them find a silver lining, immediately stop, close your mouth, and try again by saying anything else. Trying to brush over the grief by saying, “Other than that, how are things?” is the equivalent of asking Mrs. Lincoln, “Other than that, how was the show?”

Until you’ve experienced deep grief personally, it is hard to imagine what someone who is grieving is walking through. But once you’ve experienced grief—as it is all but certainly guaranteed if you’ve ever loved in any way—you’ll realize that you’ve probably let people around you down. It’s not too late to say something—the door is still open, and saying, “I’m just now realizing that I didn’t care for you the way you deserved during your grief. Please forgive me, and tell me, how are you doing with your grief now?”

Say something. Show up. Don’t try to fix anything. If you do those three things, you’re going to be a desperately needed lifeline to a loved one overwhelmed with the waves of grief crashing down all around them.