Why is it that we go through thirteen years of school (at least) learning things like Calculus and Latin-roots, doing geometry proofs and memorizing the molecular structure of chemicals we’ll never see again, but no one ever really teaches us how to interact with people? Our education system shoves us in a room with blocks and blankets at the ripe old age of six and says, “Go play with these other kids you don’t know and try to talk to them. You’ll figure it out.” But in all reality, how many people do you know that can’t hold a conversation with their best friend, let alone a complete stranger? We’re given so little instruction on the art of conversation. I’ve searched high and low and come up empty on quality resources that teach you how to master small talk (and the conversation that follows).
So, my friends, let me share with you some insight I’ve picked up along the way. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s talking. But really, what’s funny about this whole small talk thing is that it’s not really about you talking, as you’ll soon find out. So, here we go. I’ve got tips for sparking a conversation and then how to stoke the fire to keep it going. Grab your pen and paper or mental notebook and get ready to rock the socks off the next stranger you see.
Step 1: Starting a Conversation
Make a joke. Really, it doesn’t have to even be all that funny. When you’re in a crowd of silent people, staring at a piece of art on a wall or waiting for the next bus, people are just itching for someone to say anything. I normally go for something cheesy or sarcastic. I like “At least they have everyone working today” when you’re at the end of a long grocery line (I said it didn’t have to be that funny).
Ask an open ended question. It’s tough to facilitate a conversation when you ask something that warrants a yes or no response—go with something that can be elaborated on.
Comment on the obvious. If the terribly dry art history class you’re in hasn’t started yet and you’re looking to make some new friends, I’d go with “This class is horrible.” If you’re bored to tears, someone else must be too, and they’ll undoubtedly respond. You can probably share some tips for staying awake once you open the door to conversation.
Talk weather. The weather is something that affects everyone, so it’s easy to talk about. You can say anything and people will respond. A classic is, “Can you believe this weather?” You could have been in a coma for the last three months and someone will respond to that. Whether the weather is wonderful or miserable, your question is just right.
Compliment them. If you like someone’s running shoes, tell them you do. People love nothing more than being affirmed, and they’re going to warm up to you quickly if you accentuate the positives.
Step 2: Continuing the Conversation
Ask the right questions. Once you start a conversation, keep asking questions. Dale Carnegie once told me that people are 10 time more interested in themselves than they are in you. Start with something like where they work, ask them what they do there, how long they’ve been there, if they like it, anything you can think of. Keep the questions flowing and you’ll be their new BFF.
Find common ground. Try and work in some of your interests, and see if you have got something in common. It’s a whole lot easier to talk about something you love than trying to pretend like you know something about Western European culture.
Tell a story. If you’re not a good story teller, or you have a tendency to ramble, you might want to skip this tip. If the conversation is dying though, use it to spark some interest. I’ve seen some ridiculous things laced together to hold people in conversation. Like the one time someone asked an older gentleman if he’d seen The Office . Pops went on to talk about someone he knew that worked in an office for ten minutes…
Backtrack. If they mention something early in the conversation that they glaze over, but the discussion stalls out, go back to that topic. Just preface it with, “You said earlier…” so they don’t get lost.
Cut it off. You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. If you see a conversation may be dying out, end it. It’s better to call it quits before it has the chance to turn awkward. A simple, “Well, I have to get going, but it was great talking with you” is always a solid choice.
If you haven’t realized it yet, the number one key is listening. You’ve got to listen to what they say to have a rewarding conversation and to keep things from getting awkward. Don’t worry about what you’re going to say next–that’s the biggest problem in conversations. People. Don’t. Listen. Really, next time you’re in a conversation, just listen (and use these tips) and you’ll be winning friends and influencing people like it’s nobody’s business.