Today marks 14 years of marriage to the most wonderful woman I know full of challenges and joys, sleepless nights and lots of chaos. Here are seven things that have helped us thrive and continue to grow through the ups and downs.

7 Marriage Lessons

  1. Pray together. There are studies that say couples who pray together stay together. To me, the main idea is that people who are committed to Jesus are more likely to be committed to their marriage. Commitment seems to be a transitive property that bleeds into other areas of your life. Real faith really matters in all of your relationships.

  2. You’re going to keep having the same fights. What matters more than solving those issues is how you handle them in the heat of the moment, how you make the other person feel, and how you choose to move forward.

  3. Start good habits early. You’re never going to be less busy than you are when you first get married. For most people, that’s before you have kids, before your parents are in poor health, before your career advances.

  4. Don’t spend time with people who disparage their spouses. “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Stick with other people who are committed to their spouses.

  5. Kids make marriage sweeter. We waited a few years before having kids. We were young and it worked out just fine, but we would probably have had kids sooner. Not only that, becoming a parent is a sanctifying process that forces you to become a better person or live as a hypocrite. If you choose the former, you become a better partner (and overall human) as you seek to model the values you want to pass on to your kids. Kids expose your selfishness and expand your capacity to love.

  6. Don’t let divorce be an option. We’ve had some mega fights, but neither of us have ever uttered divorce as an option. If it’s off the table, you’ll always work to find a solution.

  7. Find shared hobbies. My dad’s advice when we got married was, “Don’t live two single lives together.” This doesn’t mean you have to do every single thing together, but at the very least invite each other into what the other is interested in and wherever possible find things you both love doing.

7 Responses to Bad Reasons for Divorce

Here are a seven responses to things I hear when people throw in the towel on their marriage and my responses. These are more run-of-the-mill, not massive trust breaking issues because according to these statistics, 73% of marriages end due to a lack of commitment and 56% because of arguing too much, both ahead of infidelity as the reason for ending the marriage. I’m not trying to be cavalier about any of these, but I think they are largely misnomers about how marriage and life work.

  1. “He’s not the person I married.” I hope not! If I was the same 22-year-old punk that Niki married at 36, I’d feel terrible for her. When a husband utters his marriage vows, he commits to a dynamic woman as she is and as she will be, not a static one-moment-in-time version of her.

  2. “I don’t love my spouse any more.” Then you chose to stop loving your spouse a long time ago. Marriage isn’t a one-time choice. It’s an everyday choice.

  3. “It’s not authentic for me to stay in this marriage.” If there was one word I could strike from the modern vocabulary, it would be authenticity, which is often a scapegoat for doing what I want without any repercussions. It’s authentic for you to fulfill the promise you made and to make it work.

  4. “The spark is gone.” The issue isn’t typically the spark (an intense feeling of love or passion), but the fuel that keeps the flame burning. Love, respect, self-sacrifice, commitment—those are the long-term fuels that marriage runs on. Sparks are easy when you have enough fuel on hand.

  5. “We’ve tried everything.” Maybe you have. But have you tried recommitting to your marriage vows? Have you tried becoming the person you’re going to try to become after your divorce to find a new partner? Have you tried loving even when it doesn’t get the response you hoped for? All easier said than done, of course, but a great starting place when you think you’ve tried everything.

  6. “I want freedom.” My wife told me about a Facebook post where a woman divorced her husband because he didn’t organize the kitchen (or something banal like that) the way she wanted. She commented that she’s much happier now with her organized kitchen. Please don’t be like that. That kitchen is not going to hold her hand through the end stages of her life. Freedom from our commitments is fleeting.

  7. “I just want out.” Once you’ve been married, there is no out, because divorce never ends. This article tragically describes the ramifications of divorce for children. But even if you never have children and still get divorced, there are a lifetime of ramifications and covenants simply aren’t meant to be broken.

If you’re considering marriage, don’t take it lightly. But if you’ve found a person who helps you become who you were meant to be, commit with everything you’ve got and don’t let go.

If you’ve experienced divorce, there’s tremendous grace available to you. If you’re considering divorce, I urge you to reconsider and realize that the vows you made are worth fighting for.

If you’re happily married, keep up the good work. The family is the building block of society, and just by holding on to each other you’re bringing order to chaos that will echo into eternity.