I take things personally far too often. I’ve known for a long time that I need to just get over myself and stop taking everything like it’s a personal attack. It’s happened multiple times today already, once over a floor mat. Yes, a floor mat. It’s out of control.
It’s difficult to lay down my right to be offended. Everything someone says, does or thinks about me is automatically filtered through my thin skin and the worst is assumed, leading to disgust, bitterness and hurt beyond what is rational. Most of the time, I’m just plain wrong in my initial assumptions and conclusions.
[Before we get too far, let me say this post isn’t meant to excuse racism or sexism or any other -ism out there. Of course oppression should be fought against. We’re evaluating taking things personally at a (here it comes) personal level. Attacks based not on your identity, but rather your personality.]
Some things roll off my back with ease–especially when an anonymous poster says something silly on my blog or when someone I don’t know makes a harsh comment (like the time I was partially verbally assaulted at a Czech symphony performance by some teenage kid. Oye). When it comes to people I care about though, it seems like my heart beats outside my skin, completely exposed and easily targeted for unintentional attack. I know I need to believe the best about the people closest to me, but for some reason, I draw conclusions and make unfair inferences that totally miss the mark.
Maybe you’re the same way. Maybe you can’t help but get offended at every comment, quip or glance from the people you know (or maybe the people you don’t). We need to work on this.
Why do we need to stop taking things so personally? Because most things aren’t meant to offend us and aren’t worth losing sleep over even if they were.
That’s a hard truth, I know. I still struggle with this, and I’m constantly aware of my over-sensitivity to so many little things, so this is the course of action I work through to build up thicker skin (while trying to maintain a soft heart).
1. Press pause
Before I try to interpret what someone is saying, I need to just wait a minute. Don’t jump in. Don’t over analyze. Just wait. Hear out whatever someone is saying. Listen to them all the way through before trying to discern what they are really saying. They probably are really saying what they actually said, so let them say what they’re trying to say. Not fully listening is the cause of the majority of misinterpretations.
2. Clarify the statement
Ask them, point blank, “Are you saying I’m an idiot?” They probably aren’t (if they are, ask for just cause and if they’re right, just move along). We often falsely concoct what someone thinks about us because of our own insecurities. Clarifying questions shouldn’t be accusatory (maybe my above example was poor), but more of a restatement of what someone has said in your own words. For some reason, when those words pass between our own lips, a lightbulb can often click on that illuminates what is really being said instead of what we think is being implied.
3. Process the message from a different perspective
If a complete stranger was overhearing this conversation, what would that person think is being said?
When we evaluate the message from our perspective or even from the other person’s point of view, it’s easy to jump to conclusions based on the relationship and prior history. “He’s saying I’m a loser.” “She’s trying to tell me I don’t do enough around the house.” “I know what he’s getting at–he thinks I’m no-good-dirty-rotten pig stealer.”
When we step back and process the message from an outsider’s perspective, we’re more likely to hear the message for what it is rather than the underlying connections we’re trying to draw. We hear what is being said instead of trying to figure out what we think they are implying.
4. Commit to honest communication
Tell the people in your life (particularly those who have offended you, whether on purpose or because of your thin skin) to be completely honest with you. Then they can say exactly what they mean. Instead of you trying to figure out if they are saying one thing and meaning another, you can know they’ll tell you the truth. It’s easier to take a direct confrontation than a round-about implication. Trying to fill in the gaps of communication with insinuations and becoming offended as you do it gets messy quickly.
5. Remember your identity is not in your mistakes
If you didn’t do what you said you’d do, if you failed in someone else’s eyes, if you’ve all-around blown it, take heart: you are not the sum of your mistakes. You’re human. You’ll make mistakes. They help you learn. They are refining and humbling, but they are not who you are. So take the criticism, remove the emotion from it, and see what you can learn when someone says something that you could be offended by and instead say, “What can I learn from this?”
King David is primarily known as a man after God’s own heart–not a murder or adulterer (although he most certainly killed a guy after he slept with his wife). That’s because there is freedom in repentance–in realizing our mistakes, taking them to God and being made new. Thank God for that freedom.
When you know your mistakes aren’t who you are, you feel the freedom to accept feedback from others while remembering who you really are.
6. Look to Jesus
This is far and away the most helpful wisdom I can offer. I can’t help but remember the shame, torment, jeers, abuse and disrespect Jesus faced as he picked up his cross on his way to die for our sakes.
Yes, he was fulfilling God’s will and plan. Yes, that was the cup he knew he had to bear. Even still, he had every right to defend himself, explain himself and call out those who were falsely accusing him and unfairly torturing him.
But he didn’t.
And even more amazingly, he loved the people who were mutilating and mocking him and asked God to forgive them because “they know not what they do.”
Jesus is my savior, but he’s also my example. I’ll spend eternity learning from how he lived, and overcoming taking everything personally is the lesson du jour (or of the year) for me. My prayer is that I would be quick to forgive those who, intentionally or unintentionally, have hurt or offended me.
Thick skin is a gift, but it’s also a trait we can grow.
When you are putting yourself out there, sharing your faith, launching a new project, sharing something with the world for the first time–there will be opposition.
Sometimes you’ll want to get offended because you didn’t do the dishes and feel a need to defend yourself. Don’t.
In those moments when you’re feeling vulnerable and you want to get offended, don’t. Be thick skinned and knowing whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re risking, it’s worth it.