Mediocrity is the new “world changing”. Not everyone has the gusto to strive for this type of life, but for those who have the courage to not make a difference here’s how to get started.
Get into debt
Don’t have enough cash to buy what you want right now? No problem! Max out your credit cards (the reward points make it worth it), take out fat student loans so you can spring break with your friends, and once you graduate and get a big-girl job making more than you ever have in your life, buy a house with nothing down and snag a car on lease (so you can turn it in and get a newer model in a couple of years).
Budgeting is for people who are dumb. Just keep a mental tab of how much is coming in and going out and loosely track the figures. If you end up maxing a card out, just do a balance transfer. Easy peezy!
Be stingy
Even though you’re making a nice income, don’t even think about giving that money away. You’re not making that much. Besides, you have the rest of your life to give money away (and that’s what wills are for anyway).
Stay comfortable
Get as much house, as much car, and as much stuff as you can. Don’t make sacrifices for anyone. You’ve worked hard to get where you are. Your wife says she wants to go to counseling? Ain’t nobody got time for that! That sounds uncomfortable. If she doesn’t like you the way you are, send her packing. Wives, same advice applies to you. Tell him to hit the road if he’s not giving you or getting you what you want, especially if your house is too small and he doesn’t appreciate all you do.
Use people
Nice guys finish last. You have to break some hearts and crush some dreams on the way to the top.
Trust no one
See above. Nobody cares about your well being. Don’t let anyone in and nobody gets hurt.
Don’t take responsibility
Blame shift. Find scapegoats. Refuse to admit fault and certainly don’t apologize. If you take the fall at work, you’re going to get fired. And when it comes to arguments with your spouse, you’re going to lose all control if you admit you were wrong. Don’t back down, especially when you know you were at fault.
Complain
Can’t catch a break at work? Wife always nagging? Fantasy football team not performing like you hoped? Whine about it! You have to release all of that negative energy that’s holding you back. Let it out. Don’t be afraid to go on and on about how rough you have it. People have no idea how hard your life is. It’s hard being you.
Don’t take risks…
Play it safe. Have a great idea that could help a lot of people and really make a difference? File that away for when you’re retired in the Bahamas and have nothing to lose. Besides, it will only get easier to take risks as life goes on, once you have a mortgage, family and increased responsibility, making the leap to your genius idea will be far easier.
…Unless you’re playing the lottery
That’s how you’ll make it big! A $500 million jackpot is on the line? Somebody has to win. And you have to buy the tickets to have a chance. Don’t miss out on this practically surefire way to rockstar status.
Stop reading books
Why read a book when you can just watch the movie in less than half the time? They cost too much anyway! You can buy a few seasons of Everybody Loves Raymond for the list price of a hardcover. Reading is for nerds and people with more time than you.
Watch more TV
How will you know what to buy if you don’t see the ads? What will you talk about at the water cooler if you haven’t seen the latest game, Miley Cirus’ latest performance or find out the truth when Dr. Oz lifts the veil on the day’s latest food scandal? Make sure you have a DVR to record when the best reality shows overlap.
Put things off
If it can wait until tomorrow, let it. Why bother with getting things done today when there are so many episodes of Real Housewives to catch up on?
Reject faith
Believing in God is for kids. This life is all there is so get all you can while you can. If you do decide to go to church, make sure you only attend services on Sunday and certainly don’t believe the Bible–you’re there to simply keep up appearances. That’s just a book of out-of-date moral principles. Certainly don’t go overboard and become some type of Jesus Freak. He was a good teacher, but he certainly wasn’t the Son of God.
Cheat, scheme, and steal
Don’t worry about paying taxes on those stacks of cash you made on the side. Forget about paying use tax on that stuff you bought from the Internet. They didn’t charge you for something at the store? It’s your lucky day, man. Just keep walking.
Forget monogamy
You know the Bible actually endorses polygamy. And human beings are animals. We’re sexual creatures. If your marriage works out, ok. But if you have to cheat here and there, do what you have to do. A long-lasting relationship doesn’t jive with a fulfilling life.
Arrogance is underrated
Puff out your chest, be sure everyone knows your accomplishments and be sure to mention your latest achievement in any conversation. People need to know that you’re a big deal. (If you’re not a big deal yet, fake it ’till you make it, get some leather-bound books and spray your apartment with a rich mahogany scent.)
Stress over the small things
Things probably won’t work out. The spilt milk is worth crying over and you need to lose it when the waitress gets your order slightly wrong. Really give people the business when they screw up.
Be pessimistic (but call yourself a realist)
No one wants to be labeled a pessimist, so instead, call yourself a realist but don’t bother changing your mindset. Everyone is out to get you, corporate greed is ruining America and this whole healthcare debacle is going to take our country down. We really need to get back to the gold standard.
Live to please everyone
Do what other people tell you to do (especially if it feels good). Make sure everything you do centers around how you’ll look, what other people will say and think, and how it bolsters your reputation. Keep tabs on what everyone thinks via every social media platform, and when someone gets something nicer than you, go do something about it!
Gossip. A lot.
Talk about how other people spend their money to make yourself feel better. Call people’s character into question without so much as a an actual face-to-face conversation with them. Judge solely from outward appearances. When you run out of TV shows and sports games to talk about, the next most obvious topic is people you know and pretend to like.
Always (and only) look out for number one
This life is about you. You get the glory. You get the money. You get it all. Who says money doesn’t buy happiness? Who says you should stay in your marriage and be committed to your vows? You have to do what you have to do.